Venting...Being a Grown up really bites sometimes!

Last night I made a BIG mistake, after the boys went to bed I decided to go through all of our medical bills (all of which are past due at this point, some are still being paid off monthly from 4 years ago) and crunch some numbers so I could have a better idea of what all needed to be paid and which ones took priority over others...let's just say I did NOT sleep after realizing just how "in over our heads" we truly are.

First let me explain something, Landon has Children's Special Health Care through the State to help cover his medical costs relating to any of his intestinal issues BUT they do not cover dental procedures (unless there's ABSOLUTE proof that the problem is related to his medical disorder); any medical costs that have to do with food allergies; allergic asthma and of course they also let me know that they do not cover medical expenses that have anything to do with repairing hernias or hydroceles! And although we applied for MIChild Medicaid coverage for low income families, due to the "economy being the way it is" (i think that's the #1 excuse being thrown around right now) they've lowered the annual income for a household of 4 and Shawn now makes too much to qualify. The only things we were able to get completely covered these past few months were the new prescriptions and supplements that he added to his already ridiculous list, but the actual hospital bills for his surgeries and recoveries were up to us...our single income family of 4 who also ended up having a car in the shop, which needed a new starter, alternator, AND front brakes, the exact day I received FOUR separate, outrageous, hospital, dental and anesthesia bills. I know there are A LOT of families who are struggling financially right now but this is MY FAMILY and these are bills we couldn't have avoided and didn't acquire from indulging on unnecessary things. I'm just SO INCREDIBLY tired of the redundant stress from lack of funds! NOTHING IS CHEAP, Landon's medical bills are one thing, but the weekly expenses needed to just pick up enough food to fill him up is unbelievable! Organic, natural health food stores are NOT CHEAP, even the non-organic things he can have at "regular" grocery stores are crazy expensive. UGH!

Three and a half years ago Shawn's company, he used to work for, laid off over half of their employees, including Shawn, we panicked knowing that living off of unemployment checks and paying insane monthly fees to stay covered with his insurance was not a long term option for us and after a few months of random short term temp positions which included, a 3rd shift job in South Haven, 3rd shift in Hamilton and so on he was hired in at Perrigo of Holland! Thank God! But nearly 2 years ago we had another crap of luck thrown at us when our mortgage lender royally screwed us (excuse my language, but it's the truth) and we were told that they were going to foreclose on our house unless we paid a LUMP SUM of $30,000! Really?!? Shawn was late for ONE mortgage payment during our years living here, so where was this coming from? If we could pay a stinking LUMP SUM of $30,000 we wouldn't be in need of a big loan, let alone be up to our eye balls in debt at such a young age! Phone call after phone call we never got through to ANYONE  HELPFUL and after a third visit from a guy making sure there was still people residing at this property and taking pictures of OUR home we got a lawyer involved who found out that our house was in fact listed as an upcoming foreclosure already (and it looked like just before Christmas of that year (2009) it would've been officially a foreclosure) but they also had us on 3 different computer databases within their bank's system with only one of them keeping up with our current payments and since they had already placed the delinquency on our credit score there was nothing they could do about it and it's going to stay on our credit for 4-7 years...ANYWAY, to make a long story a little bit shorter, our lawyer got things straightened out for us (except for our credit score unfortunately) and we were able to get re-consolidated as well, which all came at the PERFECT timing, right after Thanksgiving and right before I found out, on my 25th birthday, that I was PREGNANT with baby #2!

I guess what I'm really venting about in this blog post is, even though we somehow always find ourselves in a financial crisis, we also always seem to somehow survive. I just don't know how much more we can handle, every time we start making progress on paying off bills we get "dealt another crappy hand". I absolutely HATE the stress it puts on our marriage and how it seems like every time there's an argument about finances and what to cut back on, etc. we both get super defensive (especially me if co-pays or medical bills are brought up and it sounds like it's something I could've prevented, Grrr!) and the tension is not healthy for ANYONE, especially the kids. There's just SO MUCH we NEED to do, WANT to do, and STRIVE to do to better Landon's life AND Levi's life, but it all involves the need for extra money which we just NEVER have! This past June we were supposed to rip out the carpet in our living room and replace it with laminate flooring to help with Landon's severe dust mite allergy and allergic asthma but then the news of Landon's need of a hernia/hydrocele repair came up. Even the littlest things become big, like changing out our furnace filters every other month to help with his allergies and buying the more expensive ones to prevent excess allergens in the air, is something we just CANNOT DO ALL THE TIME and it KILLS ME especially when I can tell it really does improve his overall health! THE #1 BIGGEST stress for me, as the primary caregiver for our boys, is that the ONLY thing keeping me from making our home a healthier place for our son is money and that, quite frankly, breaks me.

If I had a Wishlist of the things I would want done ASAP to better the health of my son this is what it would look like:
1) Remove old, nasty carpets and replace with a durable, laminate wood flooring. 
2) Have our air ducts professionally cleaned and inspected. 
3) Get a HUGE supply of Filtrete Allergen Reduction furnace filters so I could change as needed. 
4) Purchase a Dyson Animal vacuum certified safe for Allergy and Asthma sufferers.

I could go on with a wishlist but these would definitely be the TOP 4 preventative measures to ensure a healthier home and possibly prevent further medical bills from Landon becoming sick, especially in the fall and winter months when we have to stay inside. If only Ellen DeGeneres were my friend, or Oprah for that matter, but that's a whole other Wishlist ;) HAH! This post may seem a bit odd, but as I've mentioned before, I just needed to vent about the stress of being a grown up with financial responsibilities, let alone being a PARENT with the most IMPORTANT responsibilities, in hopes that tonight I will actually be able to get some sleep. Goodnight!...hopefully ;)
Xoxo
Sarah

A lot has happened in 2 years....

I cannot believe I haven't updated this blog in over 2 YEARS!! A lot of you probably stay informed through Facebook, but I do not think I've ever been able to explain via Facebook status' the extent of the newest changes with Landon's health this past year, it's been a frustrating year, to say the least, with both good and bad news. But before I begin with those updates I would like to start with the BEST update!
August 6, 2010 at 8:18am we welcomed our second baby boy into the world, Levi David Rozeboom. I was terrified that something would go wrong during this pregnancy just like it did with my first pregnancy but my prayers were answered when we were told that Levi David was a HEALTHY, STRONG baby boy!!! Praise God! Landon was quite literally BORN TO BE A BIG BROTHER! These boys had an INSTANT connection and fell in LOVE with each other from day 1 and let me tell you, the biggest worry for a mom is whether or not your children will get along and love each other from the start, I heard SO many stories of jealousy, fights, tantrums and so on all due to the older sibling feeling like all the attention was now on baby, but Landon honestly NEVER blamed Levi, if he felt like he wasn't getting enough of my attention he would let me know or tell me he was mad at me, but he never once put the blame on his baby brother. Levi has been such an AMAZING BLESSING for our entire family! He keeps ME sane when I get caught up in all the drama of Landon's nonstop health problems, he is affectionate which Landon NEVER was, and he has shown me how to put my wall down and show affection right back and it's such an AMAZING feeling. I don't think I realized how different a healthy baby is, it was actually a FUN experience, I didn't have to be on edge and scared about every little thing with Levi, I was able to bring him out in public or take him on walks without the worry of projectile vomit, breathing issues, or people getting their sick germs on him, it was the BEST experience and I Thank God EVERY SINGLE DAY that he gave me a chance to have a "normal" newborn baby experience.

Levi will be turning ONE in a couple weeks and we will be throwing a big backyard party for him. I told Shawn I wanted to go "all out" for his 1st birthday since I never had the opportunity to do that with Landon, due to his health AND the fact that none of my friends had children yet, but now 4 of my friends have little ones who were all born within a year of each other! I honestly don't know how I made it through those first years with Landon since I really had no one really close to me who could understand what I was going through as a first time mom, let alone a first time mom with a sick baby, but I am definitely enjoying watching my friends experience motherhood and now we can relate on an even deeper level.

Alright, now for Landon, he is 4 years old now and finished his first year of preschool last year, or as they call it "three-school", he starts the REAL preschool this fall :) It was definitely the BEST thing for him. He was not very good socializing with his peers and in many ways he still struggles with it, but oh my gosh, preschool allowed him to overcome A LOT of his fears and anxiety in social situations and he has flourished and has become such a chatter box, brave big boy!

Right after turning 4 years old Landon had a procedure done called an endoscopy to view his esophagus, duodenum and upper part of his small intestine to see where we stood with his Intestinal Lymphangiectasia, his G.I. doctor also took some biopsies. The procedure itself went great, his doctor said his duodenum and small intestine looked NORMAL with only a little inflammation but no visible signs of his lymph vessels bursting like the endoscopy and biopsies showed when he had this done at 4 months old. The first thing Landon said when he woke up from anesthesia was "I'm had a really good nap mommy." HAH! The following week his doctor called with the biopsy results and said it looked like Landon has grown out of lymphangiectasia (which we had hoped would happen at this age) BUT his esophagus showed a lot of inflammation and had an abnormally high amount of Eosinophils (white blood cells that are a vital part of our immune system and only occur in high numbers if there is underlying food allergies, but are rarely, if ever, found in the esophagus) so now we had a NEW diagnosis for Landon called Eosinophilic Esophagitis (EE), another term that makes me sound like a medical expert when I tell anyone about Landon's newest diagnosis. This new found diagnosis came with A LOT, we now had to start seeing an allergist, preferably one who has experience with EE and that left only one allergist in West Michigan who had ONE other patient with EE. Landon was first scheduled for a grueling 4 hour allergy appointment to test over 180 possible allergens by doing a prick test on his back, holding down the strongest 4 year old around so two nurses could prick him with painful itchy sticks all over his back was quite a workout for this mommy, physically AND emotionally. We then waited for 2 hours for the results (keeping Landon's mind off of his itchy back in a TINY exam room for that long was the biggest challenge of the day :P) and with the first round of results we found that he was allergic to dust mites (the biggest allergen he reacted too), wheat, rice, buckwheat and rye. Next they did a scratch test on his forearm for cat dander since I mentioned we had two indoor cats, the back test did not show any reaction to cat dander but the forearm test, unfortunately, showed a visible reaction. So during this grueling visit I left with the knowledge that my son now has asthma which involves taking a daily inhaler, a daily nasal spray to relieve his constant mouth breathing; I had to make the decision to have our vet euthanize MY cat Boppers (which occurred March 9, exactly 7 years to the day that I bought her, she was, in fact, my FIRST baby, and the ONLY other female in our house, but since she was my best friend and MY cat I took her in to the vet all by myself, Boppers curled up in the back of her cage and didn't make a single noise, it was the longest, hardest drive I have ever made, even as I write this I am crying because it was the biggest heartbreak I have ever had since becoming a "grown-up"); I had to buy special casings for his box spring, mattress and pillows on top of having to wash his bedding weekly and find a new space other than his bed for his brand new Mickey and Minnie mouse stuffed friends :( but the worst information for me was we had to completely eliminate wheat, rice, buckwheat and rye from his diet which, due to his severe food aversion, was already only consisting of apples; applesauce; Gerber 3rd food: Bananas, sweet potatoes, pears and squash; Gerber Graduates Crunchies and Yogurt melts; Keylime yoplait original yogurt; chips; McDonalds french fries; saltines; cheerios; cheese crackers; animal cookies; fruit snacks and diced peaches (if I was lucky) but now I had to get rid of ALL the filling foods like saltines, crunchies, animal cookies, and all crackers. The things that were left for him to eat were also too expensive, since we had to buy enough to get this 4 year old somewhat full, we're already in over our heads with medical bills and debt, barely making it week by week on a single paycheck! I left with tears streaming down my face (which RARELY happens) feeling defeated and pissed off, why the HELL does my child have to go through all these life altering issues?? Are we only allowed to feel happy and relieved for a few days about him growing out of the lymphangiectasia before we are crushed with another rare diagnosis to deal with?! We set up another appointment for Landon to have a patch test done where they use fresh organic food puree and tape it on his back which he then has to leave on for THREE DAYS!! And then we go back on the 4th day to read the results. This was done early May and Landon actually did marvelous! When I took the patches off on the 3rd day I couldn't really see any reactions, so I was excited to see what his allergist would find the next day... I really should NEVER get excited because the next day proved to shatter my hopes in a heartbeat. Landon added 2 new food allergens to his list that we had to eliminate and they were the EXACT items that Shawn and I had said the previous night "what would we do if he was allergic to those? At least he can still eat SOME filling, nutrious foods." But now we had to eliminate MILK, and CORN. Ok, now all I had to work with was POTATO and OAT for any kind of grain. I kept hearing people tell me to try gluten-free, well people, look at the ingredients, Gluten-free products are made with RICE products but the allergen that has become my BIGGEST enemy is CORN, it's in absolutely EVERYTHING, certain shampoos, lotions & ointments, medicine, vitamins, fruit cups (except Dole), applesauce, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!! It is the most frustrating thing to deal with on a daily basis, I have to hear "Mommy I'm hungry!" more times in one day than an average mother hears in a year and I have to deal with daily out-of-control behaviors and/or out-of-the-blue tantrums which I know for a fact is due to not eating enough, or eating something that is causing him discomfort but he doesn't want to tell me because he's afraid I'll take another one of his favorite foods away so he acts out. My relationship with Landon has suffered immensely because of everything we've been through, he relies on ME to figure out what he can eat, or what medicine and supplements make his tummy and throat feel better and this also means as a stay-at-home mom I get all the behavioral issues and sensory dysfunctions to deal with which in all honesty can make me wonder some nights if I truly LOVE, affectionately LOVE, whole hardheartedly LOVE my own son because he makes it SO HARD for me to show him any kind of affection some days. I know it sounds absolutely horrible, but I'm being honest, at the end of a difficult, exhausting, overwhelming day I go to bed HATING MYSELF because of those feelings but I always wake up feeling so horrible and blame it on extreme exhaustion, but I mainly find myself ANGRY, MAD and CONFUSED that God would allow things to happen that make me question my undying love and devotion to my child who needs ME. I will end by letting you know that in June Landon underwent surgery at Devos Children's hospital for a hydrocele and hernia correction in his groin, which went great, even though his urologist (or "WeeWee doctor" as Landon calls him) explained to us that when he drained the fluid in his testes it wasn't clear abdominal fluid like they usually see, it was lymphatic fluid which is thick, and milky so he wasn't sure how long it would be before any fluid re-accumulated. The recovery was hard on my active preschooler but he was once again such a trooper. But the beginning of this week I noticed that his RIGHT testes was EXTREMELY swollen and obviously FILLED with more fluid so I called his urologists office and they got us in the very next morning for an ultrasound and consultation. The results were just as I had expected...Landon will need repeat surgery to repair another more serious hydrocele but instead of going above the groin (the bikini line area) to make an incision he will be making the cut under the scrotum and use the extra tissue and membranes from that testes to completely close off the opening where the fluid is entering from. (any men reading this are probably cringing right now) I absolutely HATE that he will have to undergo ANOTHER surgery which mostly be in September or October since they want his body to heal as much as possible from his surgery in June before doing another one. So please please please keep Landon in your prayers and please keep me in your prayers as well, I need prayers for patience, strength, more patience and ANSWERS. I hope this update has allowed you to understand what has been going on these past 7 months, but I also want to just let you know that even though it probably sounds highly depressing I do NOT want pity because through out ALL we have been through and continue to go through I couldn't have stayed sane without my AMAZING husband who is my consistent rock to fall back on; my Parents who are by far our #1 SUPPORT TEAM and the BEST Grandparents my boys could've asked for, and my WONDERFUL group of friends who are always encouraging me. I may not express my IMMENSE GRATITUDE and LOVE for my Family and Friends enough as I should, but please know in your hearts, if you're reading this, that I LOVE YOU and YOU are the ones who give me STRENGTH and COURAGE to keep going even when I can't see a happy ending. So don't pity me, I am EXTREMELY BLESSED with the most AMAZING support team who love my family and believe in me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there and supporting me and my family, we wouldn't be here without you!

Sarah Rozeboom