So I pretty much suck at updating this blog of mine, but at this point in my life I am constantly busy and other than checking facebook, I'm usually not on the computer for a good chunk of time, at least not without interruptions. :) I do, however, feel the need to do some blogging right now, there is so much on my mind lately that I need to vent it and rather than bothering someone on the phone I would rather vent in my own words by blogging.
A few weeks ago I went in for a routine doctor appointment to have some moles checked out, which I do on an annual basis. This time though I had noticed within the past 6 months or so that one particular mole on my back was changing and it would randomly hurt and become very sensitive, so I wanted to make a point to let the LPN know about that. I've been going to my physicians office my entire life, so they have seen me through all my various health problems; my diagnosis of Juvenile diabetes, thyroid cancer and my high risk pregnancy, so I completely trust them. When the LPN walked in the room we greeted each other and had our usual chats about our families, then I told her about the mole that was causing some worry, the instant she saw the mole I knew something was not good when I heard her say, "hmmm...I don't like what I see Sarah." She looked at me and preceded to tell me that she was going to refer me to a dermatologist who specializes in skin cancer and that she wasn't going to remove any moles (which is what I initially thought would happen) since the specialist will most likely need to take tissue from the area surrounding the mole to check for any cancer cells, if they find any cancer cells they will then start the staging process to see how far the cancer has spread and to check and remove/biopsy any other suspicious looking moles. I
NEVER thought I would be hearing that word
again, "
Cancer", it literally felt like someone punched me in my gut, the first thing I thought of was my son Landon, I could not and would not leave him, there is just way too much for me to live for and then I thought if this ends up being cancer will my body be able to fight? It has been 10 years of being cancer free, will it really end this year? Is 10 years all I get? I cannot have Shawn and Landon watch me go through something like cancer, I've already made my family and friends suffer through the difficult process of recovery with thyroid cancer, my husband and son do not deserve to witness any of that, my family and friends don't deserve to witness it for a second time, I know it was harder on my loved ones to watch me go through surgery and treatments for cancer than it was for myself. How do you explain something like cancer to a 2 year old? He wouldn't understand why mommy can't play with him like usual or why mommy looks different, that absolutely hurts my heart to even think about how it would effect him. I just have to remember that the best case scenario is precancerous cells in the mole and all they'll need to do is remove it. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best...that's the best way to deal with the unknown, especially when it comes to health problems. It's just a little harder this time around since the last time I was told all I had was a goiter (benign tumor) on my thyroid and they just needed to remove it by doing a simple 3 hour or less surgery, but when it came to the word cancer it was only brought up once and I was told I had a less than 5% chance of them finding any cancer cells and that it was the slowest progressing cancer and very treatable. Well, when they did the surgery, which ended up being over 10 hours long, not only did they find cancer, but it had already started to spread (so in my case it was not at all slow progressing cancer), my thyroid was removed, along with parathyroids and various lymph nodes in my neck and chest. I went through weekly treatments of radiation treatment for 6 months and missed out on half of my 8th grade year, so after an experience like that I just don't have the most optimistic outlook when it comes to health scares.
Well, my appointment with the dermatologist is next week Friday, May 29 at 12:30, I know for a fact that I will have at least 5 different moles removed and tested, but they may also be doing a lymph node biopsy if they suspect cancer. I strongly believe that the waiting and the unknown is the hardest part, I'm ready to just get everything over with and find out if I do in fact have cancer or not, it's horrible to sit around and in the back of my mind know that I might be sitting here with cancer cells invading my body. Obviously I'm not just sitting around the house constantly thinking about that, but every now and then I catch my mind wondering and I start to think about the "what ifs". Hopefully I had it checked out before it could become progressive or cancerous, and if not, the fact that I am a mom and wife means I am ready and willing to fight with all of have to stay and be able to watch my son grow up, because I will not only be fighting for myself, but I will be fighting for my son and my husband as well and they
are my strength. Like my blog title states, "Where there is LOVE there are
always MIRACLES", I strongly believe in that and becoming a mom has shown me just how much love I'm capable of giving
and receiving; plus just the fact that I was able to become a mom was a miracle. Pray that there won't be any cancer cells found, and if there is, pray that they have not spread yet. If you don't believe in prayer, send some positive thoughts my way, I strongly believe in both, in a way they are pretty much the same. I will update my blog as soon as I know more, so probably not until Friday night. I have no idea who even really reads this blog, but if you are reading this I hope it finds you in good health, don't take it for granted! Take care and God Bless!
Always,
Sarah
